Last night I had a dream about someone. I do not wish to dream about this person, but the cruelty of the subconscious is that it has no filter. The dream has brought some unresolved emotions to the surface, so I ask your patience as I navigate them here.
At one time, I respected and cared deeply for this person. Slowly, I came to realize that this person was selfish in ways to which I had a blind spot. The lowest point came when I neglected to defend the love of my life against a very misguided attempt to “fix” her. Thankfully, the Gardening Beauty is both resilient and forgiving. She does not need fixing. Any changes she makes come from her desire to change, not from someone else’s need to intervene. I happen to love her for who she is, not who I or anyone else wants her to be. It is frustrating to me when someone doesn’t see why I love her with all her supposed faults, and it angers me when someone tries to make me doubt my love or hers.
There is a phrase that concerns speaking with grace and salt. However, that is not carte blanche to use words to hurt someone under the guise of grace. That seems to me to be a particularly abominable distortion of what should be a responsibility to speak in love to one another.
This person also believes, inaccurately, that we have been unsupportive and/or seeking to undermine this person’s professional expertise. Any of you who know me personally would, I hope, see the absurdity in that. Even in the midst of my hurt, I would not do that. That would serve no constructive purpose.
I feel manipulated. That is a major admission for me, as I don’t envision myself as one who can be so easily swayed. It turns out (surprise, surprise) that my passions rule me. Say the right words, flatter me with the right compliments, show me the attention I sometimes desperately crave, and I become putty in your hands, even to the detriment of the important people in my life.
At this point, I am angry. Another wrinkle in this situation is a feeling of betrayal. My attempt to reach out, to communicate, was met with a single unfocused message of reply followed by complete silence on the matter. My friendship was no longer necessary, had become more burdensome than rewarding, had been replaced by something else, or placed somewhere it would no longer affect daily life. Whatever the reason, I suspect it shall remain a mystery. Best I resolve myself to that.
The big question is how to coexist with someone I now agressively dislike and mistrust. This person remains a tangential part of our lives. Maintain civility? Completely ignore? Put on a mask? It depends on my mood, for another of my quirks is the uncanny inability to hide my emotions. Today, I want to actively berate. It would serve no purpose, quell no anger, offer no solution, but the anger is at the surface today. So my choice is to write about it, be honest about it, and maybe let some of it go. Maybe it will go today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, but it is a choice. Anger is a valid emotion, but you cannot let it consume you. Today I am angry, but this, too, shall pass.