Strange happening. On the way to Mom and Dad’s, and after a special stop to see the IBA, I decided to take the Gardening Beauty on a short tour of a couple place I lived. It just so happens that the places between IBA’s and my parents’ house were inhabited by me and J when we were together. I am VERY open and honest with GB about everything that happened, so she felt no weirdness about this walk down my past. When we went to the last place J and I lived, as we were leaving that area, we passed J. I really had no idea she was still living there. Surprised, actually. It’s a nice place, but you would think bad memories would cause her to move on. But then, she has her own way of dealing. It’s a good thing fr her that she has moved on so well. That makes me happy for her.
Anyway, it’s difficult to pinpoint what I felt. I was uncomfortable because of that lack of certainty. I was also a little ashamed because I still feel terrible about what I did to her. I also wonder what she will say about seeing me to other people. That’s ridiculously self-centered, but this is a small city and we ran in the same circles. The Gardening Beauty seemed to have no issues, but she did note that I got a faraway look in my eye and asked me what I was thinking. I had to tell her I wasn’t thinking about anything because I wasn’t. I was slightly feeling in flux, but there was no panic or sadness or anger or anything like I expected. Just… meh. It was surprising and difficult to verbalize.
My mistakes have led me, somehow, to the best thing I have ever had.
I love the Gardening Beauty. Today cemented that.