Something Solid

Strange happening.  On the way to Mom and Dad’s, and after a special stop to see the IBA, I decided to take the Gardening Beauty on a short tour of a couple place I lived.  It just so happens that  the places between IBA’s and my parents’ house were inhabited by me and J when we were together.  I am VERY open and honest with GB about everything that happened, so she felt no weirdness about this walk down my past.  When we went to the last place J and I lived, as we were leaving that area, we passed J.  I really had no idea she was still living there.  Surprised, actually.  It’s a nice place, but you would think bad memories would cause her to move on.  But then, she has her own way of dealing.  It’s a good thing fr her that she has moved on so well.  That makes me happy for her.

Anyway, it’s  difficult to pinpoint what I felt.  I was uncomfortable because of that lack of certainty.  I was also a little ashamed because I still feel terrible about what I did to her.  I also wonder what she will say about seeing me to other people.  That’s ridiculously self-centered, but this is a small city and we ran in the same circles.  The Gardening Beauty seemed to have no issues, but she did note that I got a faraway look in my eye and asked me what I was thinking.  I had to tell her I wasn’t thinking about anything because I wasn’t.  I was slightly feeling in flux, but there was no panic or sadness or anger or anything like I expected.  Just… meh.  It was surprising and difficult to verbalize.

My mistakes have led me, somehow, to the best thing I have ever had.

I love the Gardening Beauty.  Today cemented that.

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3 thoughts on “Something Solid

  1. Have you thought about talking with someone – a professional someone – about your lingering feelings about all this? That might help you to leave it behind in a more comprehensive fashion.

    That being said, I think you’re just fine the way you are. Just FINE. Warts & all, as they say. We’ve all got stuff in our past, bodies buried, previous chapters scribbled and waiting to be proofread & published. It’s not self-centered to think about them now and again, particularly when you see physical reminders of them. You’re a good guy and you don’t go looking for trouble. Forgive yourself.

    • To be honest, THIS is my therapy. Just verbalizing this gives me catharsis. And interestingly enough, I talked with GB about this all after I finished writing, so it served as a real catalyst. I AM fine, it’s just that I like having my brainpan wide open to let the world in. Kinda weird.

      • As long as you’re not tormenting yourself about it – and if it’s providing food for conversation between you and your loved ones – I won’t worry about you.

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