I am wrestling with my emotions right now. One day everything is gravy and sunshine, the next, it’s gloom and mudcakes. Last night, I barely managed to be civil and that has bled into today, resulting in being curt and short with everyone. There has never been a feeling in me quite this full of anger and hurt. And it’s not because she’s with someone else. There is still a small part of me that is mildly jealous about that, but this is really about something else.
It began with the realization that there has not been a phone call or message from her to me in nearly a month. And before that the VAST majority were in response to me rather than originating from her. Was this really that one-sided? Was I always there whether she wanted me to be or not, and was it almost always by my urging? What kind of loathe selfishness was I playing at?
Listen, I know how infrequently she actually contacts those who she considers friends. In fact, few times go by when she doesn’t say “Oh I should call her/him,” or “Oh, I really need to get together with them.” The thing is, I don’t want to be a “him” or a “them”. I’m me, damn it, and I am pretty freaking special, thankyouverymuch! I’m there whenever she calls and am johnny-on-the-spot when something needs to be done. And now, nada. No walks, no laughter, no discussions. Seeing her for a few minutes a week is just not cutting it. And it shouldn’t have to be me initiating it all the time… or should it?
I’m not a complete fool. She needs her time with the new man in her life. As a friend, I really have to understand that, and I think I do. But I also know that our friendship had become meaningful (I thought) and important. But maybe it really was just a transition period and that will be that.
I did something really pathetic last night. Left a note saying I understood she needed time with this great new guy (and he really is great to her, I have to say), but asking her to simply call or drop me a line once in a while just to let me know she’s thinking of me. Good grief, what a needy putz!!!
Maybe I really have been in a dream world. What the hell is wrong with me?
Yeah, I am pissed today. REALLY pissed.
***It’s been a while since I have allowed myself just let go and write exactly what I was thinking on here. To my friends, I assure you I am not in a place where you need to worry about me, although knowing you and how wonderful you are, I understand that you will. The only thing that scares me is the level at which this has hurt me, or at which I have allowed it to hurt me. But things will be ok. And for those who are following my blog, but do not know me personally, I hope you or someone you know finds something in all this to which you can connect and relate and realize that we all struggle in different ways for different reasons.
Or maybe you prefer to peruse this and feel better about who you are, because at least you’re not a weirdo like me. Whatever works!***