The Impertinence of Time

I am not a busy person.  My days are not filled with wall-to-wall activity.  I have never been that type of person.  So, coming home to an empty apartment can sometimes feel ten times as lonely as it actually is, because my mind is left to ruminate.

We are both attending the same event.  I alone.  She with him.

If I honestly confess how I feel, I want her to un-invite him, because attending this kind of event was “our” thing.  This is no longer about wanting her.  It’s about hurting because I no longer get to spend the quality time with her to which I had become accustomed.  It certainly makes sense that she wants and needs to spend time with him, and in her busy life, she needs to take every opportunity to do so.  In her place, that’s how I would feel.  As a friend, I know that and am struggling to accept that.  But this is simply out and out jealousy that he gets the time that I used to receive.  I am feeling right now that I was simply a bridge to get her from the end of one relationship to the beginning of another.  I suppose I supplied the flattery and attention she needed without the burden of attraction.  In my more petulant and pouty moments, I admit to feeling cast aside.  And, sadly, sometimes it’s surprisingly easy to dislike her.  That scares me more than a little bit.

I feel rather ashamed to admit that, because it shows just how weak I am and also how selfish (although my selfishness comes as no surprise to anyone reading this, I’m sure).  But, at the very least I can take comfort in the fact that I could never actually ask her to un-invite him.  That would go beyond selfish to just plain mean.  And one thing I hope no one can ever say of me is that I am mean or even mean-spirited.  The thing is, I am not ready to see them together.  So, I did tell her straight out that I need avoid her at the event because seeing them together would be overwhelming.  I honestly can’t make that jump, yet.  She understood with her usual grace, but I can’t help but feel that with every occurrence of my inability to adapt to this new reality, our friendship slightly dims.

So, the root of my pain lies in the fact that, while I have been blessed to have spent much time with her over the past few months, I am now relegated to only very sporadic time with her, at best.  He has replaced me as one of the primary options for company.  Dealing with that disappointment and determining how and where to refocus my energy are the next steps, if I choose to take them.

The saddest truth, though?  I have left friendships behind in the pursuit of love.  I have neglected and abandoned friends in a single-minded pursuit of romantic dream that has never been realized.  Well, almost realized once… but squandered foolishly.  I have been the one to inflict pain.  Maybe I need this lesson more than I realize.

The pain and hurt comes and goes now, rather than just sitting there and being painful, which is an improvement.  Apparently, time has a soft side as well.

Someone left me a very thought-provoking comment in a previous post.  I am still turning around in my mind the questions posed in that comment.  I hope to have something posted here in response soon.  Many thanks for the comment!

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