End of the Dream

Ooma went on a date.  It was a bracing slap of reality for me.  You see, even though I had talked the talk about being a friend, I never allowed hope to be extinguished.  That was a foolish, and admittedly selfish indulgence.  So now, I must deal with this.  How?  Well, tears have been shed and will come again.  And the pains of jealousy and questions of “why not me?” are rearing their ugly heads as well.  Why not me?  Simple.  She is not attracted to me.  You can’t fake attraction – it’s there or it’s not.  And it ain’t there for her.  But, accepting the fact she will be attracted to someone else?  Yeah, that’s a surprisingly tough idea to accept without a considerable amount of pain attached to it.

The thing is, she is my best friend.  And I owe it to her as a friend to share in her happiness.  Honestly, it is a very good thing she went on a date, because it means she is moving forward for herself.  It does feel good to be attractive to someone you also find attractive.

But, much of my happiness over the past few months has hinged entirely upon her.  Apart from being unhealthy, that also feeds my impulsive-obsessive nature.  I have taken advantage of every little excuse to call her or to stop by because the sound of her voice and being around her are an opiate to me.  It’s a control issue. Even when it’s not smothering her, it’s still selfish, and instead of letting things just flow, it’s my way of exerting control.   Now, in the interest of being a true friend, I am forcing myself to find a balance.

It’s a radical approach that is necessary because I am wholly incapable of controlling my impulses.  My impulses have ruined many things in my life, and this is one thing I would like to keep intact, thankyouverymuch.  I have decided to not initiate contact with her for a couple weeks or so.  I have told her about the plan, because I want her to know I am not doing this out of anger or because she has done anything.  This rises out of my need to gain control over my obsessive nature. (I do see the irony that what I am doing may be obsessive and/or impulsive)  She can call me if she needs to talk, or if she’d like to get together, but I am going to go “cold turkey” in regards to contacting her.  I have to do it this way, because if the door is left open even a sliver, I will barge through.  All or nothing.

Will it work or backfire?  I hope it works.  I hope, in one way or another, it keeps me from self-destructing yet another friendship/relationship.  And the fact I am being up front and honest with her about the necessity of this is a change from my past M.O.  Friends say that I am opening myself up to be used by her.  Yes, I suppose I am.  But, she is not one to take advantage.  That may make me a bit of a “Pollyanna”, but my faith in her friendship is just that strong.  Up to this point, she has exceeded all my expectations, so it’s difficult for me to believe she would use me now.  Also, I see it as giving up some of the control I exerted by being so clingy.  I need to be ok with not knowing everything.

Am I worried?  Yep.  Can I actually go through with this?  Dunno.  Is it going to be hellish some days?  Uh-huh.  Is this a mistake?  I hope not, but I don’t know.

Maybe it boils down to this… I guess I just need to feel shitty for a while so I can bounce back.  And that’s a thing that requires alone.

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