Alone-ness

The perfect storm of disappointment.  She’s dating someone while someone else is deciding not to date me.

I need to be happy for her, and I am, but it is hard not to feel the sting of disappointment and loss, even if there was nothing there to lose.  And now there is just the uncomfortable feelings.  Friendships can either wilt or flourish in these situations, and I want this one to flourish.  But it will not be easy.  I am angry at myself for feeling this way.  I know my stupidity will precipitate some ridiculous actions on my part.  Even now, I am steeling myself to apologize for whatever I might do or say.  Wouldn’t it be easier just not to do or say it?  Heh.  Fat chance.

I am jealous.  But it’s because I will no longer be near the front of her thoughts.  Her smiles when she’s alone will be while thinking of someone else.  My position has been usurped.  And it stings a bit.

As for the someone else who has decided not to date me, there is not pain there, just disappointment.  It would have been nice for something to happen, but it just never did.  I need to let go and move on, and it will be easier because the connections with her did not get a chance to run as deeply.  Still, not happy.

How foolish that I ever allowed myself to believe that two beautiful, intelligent women would find anything in me that would be attractive to them.  Maybe it’s better that my heart become the island that it always should have been.

There is no reason to say this, because I am surrounded by wonderful people, but I feel very alone.  Probably because I was blessed with riches for a short time, or at least the illusion of riches.  I want to scream, to cry out, to weep.  But why?  Because I am not getting something I want?  That seems entirely too selfish, even for me.

This is going to be a very rough time.  Of course, any time you face a sea change in life, an upsetting of the status quo, you are looking at a bumpy ride.  I do not relish what is coming next.  And trying to distract myself or refocus on something else is not going to be easy.  Already tonight I have immersed myself in Netflix just to keep from thinking about all this.  The few times that my mind has idled and drifted back, it has been emotional, to say the least.  Tomorrow will be a trial.

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