You sent me your answer tonight. I am not happy with it, but having an answer is better than not knowing. I can deal with that, and with your help, I will.
I blew it. I needed to, and you knew that, so you let me fall on my face. All my old insecurities and mistakes came back to cause me to come very close to losing one of the best friendships I have ever known. It still may hang in the balance. It’s going to be hard to trust myself to do the right thing for a while because I have spent the last couple weeks doing all the wrong things. I hate making mistakes because I hate facing my weaknesses.
Like I said, this isn’t making me happy or making me smile. It’s actually making me sad, but relieved. My heart wanted a different answer, but the certainty of this one was really there all along. I just ignored it. I needed a reminder of just how close I was t0 the edge. Better than plummeting off the cliff, since you are well aware of my incredible fear of that!
I feel pretty stupid right now for falling into the same old self-destructive patterns. I am blessed that you have provided someone who can only be described as the most patient and kind human being I have ever met to be the target of my stupidity. Where does she get the strength? Oh… right.
I do love her. Not in the Valentine’s Day way, but in the real way. I cannot say that I have ever felt this way toward anyone else. Maybe that’s why it was important for us to meet. Did I need to learn about that? I did need to learn that my happiness is not supposed to reside in the attentions of any single person, but in the effort to love everyone. That’s a tough one to let go, because she has a singular knack for making me happy.
One thing I still do not understand… why do I care so much about her? What is the deep connection I feel to her? Where did it come from? I don’t understand it… I can’t quantify it or describe it or explain it. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Re-framing that connection so it fits better within our friendship is going to take some work.
She is amazing, so I know this friendship will be fine. She needs your help, too. She has plenty of important things to face daily. I’m sorry I gave her one more stress in her life. That was inconsiderate. Please forgive me my weakness. Give her the strength she needs to keep doing the right thing for her.
On the plus side, it has made one matter in my life a little clearer. At least I can focus, without guilt, on enjoying my time with a new person in my life. Thank you.
I will be fine. But I will definitely be writing again. Until then, do what you can for all those who need you. And there are plenty of us who do.
And do me one special favor – help me to let my family know more often just how much they mean to me. They put up with my quirks more than anyone, and I think they deserve some kind of reward for that. I know the lottery really isn’t your thing, but if you should happen to decide to let them win the Powerball drawing… Yeah, I know. That’s a little ridiculous. Still, they are a pretty awesome group of people. I know they’d do good things with the money.
And, I really cannot say this enough – Thank you.