Right now, just for a few minutes, I am going to be unabashedly selfish. I know that is not a good thing during this time of cheer and sharing. But I also know how unhealthy it is to turn a blind eye to your feelings. By exorcising my thoughts here, I can maybe keep them from spilling forth from my heart at an inopportune time.
There are few things as difficult as accepting that someone else has a heart and mind that do not line up in direct correlation with yours, even though your deepest wish is that they would. It’s a realization that, no matter what your positive traits, the other person who appears so perfect in your eyes, does not see the same perfection in you. It’s an ego hit, surely. But there is a deeper hurt there. When you pour your heart out, you risk pain and humiliation and disappointment. And, too often, I have both experienced and been the inciter of those emotions.
I don’t know why I continually submit myself to the mere possibility of that pain. Were I more Pavlovian, I would have learned by now and allowed the negative reinforcement to blunt my enthusiasm. But there is no negative reinforcement that can keep me from desiring Ooma, other than her explicit wish that I stop. Until then, I dream, hope, wish, desire, melt, crumble, curse, deny, inflame, recover and resolve, only to go to bed and do it all again the next day.
I hate this passion, but I cannot live without it.