To say I am lonely seems so selfish and so unaware on the face of it. I have a great family full of wonderful and supportive people. I have a number of good close friends, most of whom would do anything for me and I for them. But when we say the word lonely, it’s not for lack of people around us who care about us – with that I am many times blessed. No, this is a loneliness that is deeper…
It begins with a realization of all the missed opportunities. I try not to live in the past, but as a lover of history, it seems to be a fundamental characteristic of mine on the subatomic level. What if I had done this, or completed that, or gone there, or stayed here? As a dreamer, these are basic themes. And reality can be harsh sometimes.
I will probably never be a father. I will never be an executive. I will not be famous. But, I will try to be compassionate. I will try to be responsible. I will try and live a decent life. And I will fail as much as I succeed.
What is most difficult about loneliness is not having someone close to you who is your confidant, your confessor and your personal kick-in-the-butt. I have friends and family who take on one or more of those roles in a pinch, but to completely open yourself to someone… that is alien to me.
Obviously, this dreary weather and some less than restful nights have taken their toll on my attitude. I’ve only skimmed the surface of this… go deeper and you find there is desperation in loneliness, and that can really be destructive.
Anyway, disjointed as this is, it’s a start on addressing this part of me.