Out of the blue, like some lightning bolt to my psyche… I broke down crying. It was odd. Nothing set me off, really. It simply felt like all the frustration, hurt, stupidity, failure, disappointment and loneliness all hit me at one time. It wasn’t sobbing. Just an embarrassingly vulnerable crying fit.
And it hit me while I was driving.
It has been long ago conceded that I am not a man’s man by any definition, and that I may be accurately called a “wuss”. Certainly emotionally. But this was so sudden and so intense. Maybe it was a reminder to me that I need to understand others more. It used to be that empathy came easy. As I have grown older, I find myself more and more self-centered. This blog must be a manifestation of that. But still, I never envisioned myself as someone who would knowingly cause pain to another. Even now, that seems like a dream-reality. But, it happened, and I have tried to move on. Sometimes, though, my emotions flood back with memories. I really miss them. More than I admit to myself.
And I am slightly heart-broken… Having another good friend is a blessing, but loneliness is a tough master. It demands tears and frustration.
There is no focus or ambition where I am right now. Each day exists in and of itself, for the most part. I don’t dream of travel anymore. Some days, we just exist, and that’s enough.
Please don’t pity me, though. That is not why I share this. There are too many people in this world dealing with really devastating things, and they deserve your thoughts and prayers. No, the need to unload this emotional burden, or at least to somehow muddle through it, is why this ends up here. Maybe this meandering triggers positive thoughts in you. That would be enough.