Fear

I am afraid.  I am afraid of what havoc you could wreak if you knew how open I am.  This is a heart that was supposed to be hardened beyond reclamation.  But that never works.  It’s always soft in places, and you found all of the soft places.

I am afraid of hearing no.  It hurts to hear it when you want yes so badly.  It’s the kind of fear that keeps my heart beating too fast.  It haunts my dreams, this sad possibility that no matter how much I may want it, you may not.

I am afraid of hearing yes.  That would mean I have to live up to expectations and be a man.  That has not been a very successful role thus far, and it means a lot of hard work.  It means usurping the status quo. It’s a challenge, and there is always fear in facing a challenge.

I am afraid of not getting an answer at all.  There is no torture quite as exquisitely painful as the lack of knowledge.  It tends to plant seeds of doubt or of unrealistic expectations.  Nothing is ever as it seems when you have no idea what it is you’re seeing.

But mostly I am afraid of what life without you would be.  No matter what nonchalant appearance I may try to project, no matter how hard I try to avoid applying any pressure to your already overloaded life, no matter how much I tell you I am the last person whose feelings you need to worry about,  every day is filled with thoughts of you.  And that is the  music I do not want to stop hearing.

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