For someone embarking on a new chapter in his life, I sure do continue to make the same old mistakes. I am not quite sure how someone this laid back can become completely unwound in certain situations.
I may be more a control freak than I ever suspected, at least when it comes to any emotional issues. Instead of just going with the flow, as I tend to do with just about everything else in my life, my emotions get all jacked up by my own design. Instead of simply reacting as things occur, I try and frame everything so that I can feel what I want to feel. It may just be that I am so worried about feeling pain that I decide to pre-empt it and feel pain on my own terms.
Is it any wonder my past is littered with embarrassment? I go too far, become too attached, throw myself onto emotional roller coasters… wait. Maybe that’s it. I’m an emotional adrenaline junkie! Do I really crave the ups and downs? God God, I hope not. It’s far too easy to screw up something good that way. And this… is something good.
What do I do now? Or do I do anything? Maybe I need to lose this baggage as well. Just leave my emotional control issues sitting on the platform and walk away. This is definitely going to be a major challenge. It’s a big world outside my own head.
Ah, if I can change my eating habits and exercise habits, then I can do this. It’s going to take work and commitment, but I want this. In the worst way.