***UPDATE: The funny thing about posting what you are thinking is that, ultimately, it ends up being too much information. I mean, do you really need to know my innermost thoughts or listen to my internal monologue? This is really an exercise in either selfishness or self-awareness, which one I am unsure.
One thing that does trouble me is my doubt. Not only in myself, but in the reaction of others. I seem to have little faith that what I write or do will be accepted or taken in a spirit of open-mindedness. That’s pretty unfair to others. I became a little overwrought today and found myself praying. That’s a good thing. And, interestingly enough, the sermon at church tonight was based upon a verse from Romans that is very timely: “We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” That was definitely me today. My mind and heart were completely out of sync and my emotions were a jumble. And I had no idea what to pray for or how to do it. I actually said, “Dear God, AUUGGH!” If ever there was a prayer of wordless groans!
Amazingly enough, a bit of perspective came via, of all people, Joan Rivers (the Lord DOES work in mysterious ways). I was watching an episode of “Louie”, Louis C.K.s show. On it, Joan Rivers calls Louis a whiny baby for making his problems bigger than they actually were. Too true. That’s the obvious downside to being a neurotic mess – self pity. It’s an appalling and wholly unattractive trait. Sometimes it feels good to get hit upside the head.***
Pretty sure that I am the most neurotic person on earth. How else can you explain the actions of this past week? Seriously. You see, the greatest person has been so willing to allow me to spend time with her, and instead of just sitting back and enjoying it, I start worrying that I am taking up too much of her time. So I mention that, and she says I’m sweet to worry, but it’s ok. Later, in an attempt to be helpful, my brain shorts out and I end up sounding controlling. Finally, in what was most probably an unneeded effort to try and smooth that over, I send an email that can only be described as painfully weird.
You see, when I am attracted to someone, I become hopelessly self-conscious, not to mention incredibly stupid. Additionally, my personality is that of a people-pleaser, so when I perceive that I have made someone uncomfortable, there is an intense drive to make amends. Turns out that is a terrible idea, as the perception that gives off is that I am a creepy obsessive. Which I probably am. And then I have no patience, which is exactly what she needs.
So if there is a way to navigate through this in a reasonable manner, maybe this will all work out, and possibly I will end up a better person?
Why is this so important to me?