Can’t Even Lead Me to Water

***Update:  The interesting thing about blogging honestly and openly is that sometimes you get an entry that so narrowly captures a single mood or moment.  The next day, that emotion or event is either forgotten, or has resolved itself, or just doesn’t seem that important.  But at the time, it was the beginning, middle and end of your world.  I thought about dumping this entry, but that would be ‘cheating’ in a way.  This now seems rather like a snapshot: it captures something, but only a single short moment.***

How is it that my memory is so short that it is so easy forget how crappy this feels?  Why is it impossible to act like a rational human being?  No, instead, act like an idiot and when that blows chunks on you, feel devastated, make promises like “Never again”, “That’s the last time that’s going to happen”, and “I’m done with this”.  The truth is you will, it’s not and you’re not.

Now my stomach is doing flips for all the wrong reasons.

I… will… never… learn.  So angry at myself that I could, and I did, cry – just a little. Frustration tears.  Who does that?  Who cries when life has been reasonably good to them?  Who cries when one little thing (which you have made bigger than it warrants) goes the way you hoped it would not.  Spoiled rotten.

No matter how much I try to trick my mind into thinking the negative outcome will occur so that I am steeled for it, I am still an unreasonable optimist.  Heck, even now I’m still holding out hope.  Crud… can’t even lie to myself anymore.  Now what?


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