What makes you happy? What gives you that spark in your life to keep you moving forward?
There are a number of things that put a smile on my face and in my heart: good music, cute little kids, a Minnesota Vikings victory, having a really good time with family or friends, random acts of kindness, taking a moment to really drink in how beautiful it is where I live, great food, traveling somewhere I always wanted to go, having something just happen to fall my way, hearing from someone I have not heard from in a while…
But, interestingly, what seems to really make a huge difference in my mood is whether or not I feel wanted by a human being of the female persuasion. Now, this is a rather jolting realization, since I always considered myself insulated and a bit of a loner. And it is true that I do like some of the freedoms of being a single, unfettered individual. But, God help me, if I don’t really get jazzed up when someone of the opposite sex who I find attractive shows interest in me. It can totally change my perspective.
And I HATE that.
I hate that someone else holds so much influence over my mood. It leaves me completely out of control, because really, attraction is almost entirely up to the attractee rather than the attractor. There are certain things that can be done to enhance one’s attractiveness, certainly, but ultimately, it is the attractee who determines where things go.
It is so confounding to have someone interested in you, but also so exhilarating, so it’s a weird addictive feeling. You never really know if they are just “interested” or interested or INTERESTED. Everyone has their own mode of operations. Attraction also tends to leave such a hopeless romantic like me open to some significant risk, and as a solid non-risk taker, there are few things more frightening – because the emptiness and disappointment of suddenly having someone NOT attracted to me is a very dark place, full of snakes and ladders and tightropes and frogs and other things that scare the bejeezus out of me.
To be honest, my need to exert control over the situation has driven off many very nice female-types. I usually go all gooey and doe-eyed, instead of just going with the flow. My usually laid back personality becomes all wound up like a jack-in-the-box spring and, *WHAMMO*, out comes this gigantic creepy clown head and everyone runs in terror into the night. It’s an addictive feeling to be wanted, and you find you just need to feel that more and more and more, like some love junkie on a binge. You would think I would learn, but it’s as if all reason bleeds out of my head and all that is left is for my heart to react in some unrestrained Pavlovian response.
Probability dictates that I am going to blow it once again. And once again, I suppose I will go down swinging – or rather flailing – like a drowning man.
(Just re-read this. I’m more than a little pathetic, yeah?)
I’d love to know what makes all of you happy, really happy, in your heart. Please leave a comment and share your happiness and any happy dances, if you’d like.