You may wonder why I post these meanderings, these things that show my inner workings, my flaws, my ridiculousness. Maybe I share them because it’s an echo chamber in my head and letting these thought processes out reveals them to either be wildly interesting, mind-numbingly boring or stunningly pathetic. Which one is entirely left up to you…
Why can I not keep her from my mind? Why does my breath go shallow at the mere thought of her – of the glancing touch of her arm against mine or the soft accidental glissando of her hand? Why do her eyes linger in my memory? And why does her smile, days and days after it has faded, still bring me joy? How can I ignore her strength, her compassion for others, her capacity to be friendly to all?
Who am I to desire her? She deserves strength and virility and ruggedness and passion. I am weakness and frailty and softness and romance. That is not enough, is it? She deserves financial stability and active ambition. I am a financial mess and a procrastinating dreamer. Dear God, who am I to desire her?
Is this just a passing infatuation? Or is this a very real attraction to someone who adds to life rather than subtracting from it? It’s not just a physical yearning, there is a tangible completeness when she is around. Is it the music in her, or the kindness of her face, or the joy that always seems to simmer within her?
When will I end this needless torture? When will I wake up and accept alone?