A Tendency to Self-Destruct

About seven or eight years ago, I met someone online.  She was extremely interesting.  Great sense of humor, funny laugh, willingness to talk about politics and religion and music and life,  beautiful, even mundane things were enjoyable with her (still are)…. but ever since then, things have been erratic at best.  We had a couple nice times together, until she admitted she was not really interested in me romantically.  We started a friendship.  Of sorts.  I never really gave up hope that someday we could make things work, and somehow, I know there is a small part of her that felt the same.  However, every time we began drifting toward each other again, one or the other of us would push away.  It was bizarre.  It was unhealthy.  And yet it continued like a demented dance.

I could not shake my dreams of her.  She was intelligent and funny.  She was dealing with some issues of her own, but she had a strength inside underneath all that.

Her father went through a difficult health problem and was in the hospital.  I drove down  and helped her out for a couple days.  I enjoy care-taking, remember?  Soon, we were drifting together again.  She decided to quit the job she hated, but to which she felt she was financially tied.  In a panic she drove up and stayed with me for a week.  I loved it.  Again, this was completely platonic, but coming home to her was great.  However, after she left, once again, we pushed away.  This time, it was going to be a long separation.  Soon after we drifted apart, my ex-fiancee entered the picture.  In retrospect, I have often wondered if my ex was actually a “rebound” relationship.  I don’t know.  My ex came into my life when I needed someone.  I did fall in love with her – or at least I fell in love with the idea of being with someone.  My friend called me a couple times while I was with my ex.  I had told my ex about her, and soon decided that even a friendship with her would not work in the framework of my relationship with my ex.   We did not talk for a long time.

When I was kicked out by my fiancee, she was the only person outside my family who helped me through the first painful months.  I do not recall if I had written her, or if she had contacted me out of the blue and I let her back in my life again.  All I know is I felt close to her again.  She was dealing with her own concerns and I relished the chance to help her.  We were drifting closer again… and AGAIN we found ways to push each other away.  It was almost as if we would come closer to each other as long as we were apart, but once we were in the same space together… kablooie.  Maybe we are in love with the “thought” of each other, but the reality of it cannot live up to that ideal.

I finally made a decision to stop contact with her.  Cold turkey.  It was sad, but liberating.  A month and a half ago she emailed me and asked me to simply tell her that I never wanted to hear from her again.  I could not do it.  I sent nothing.  Until tonight… I emailed her and told her that I just thought we were unhealthy for one another.  I apologized for not telling her straight out when I decided not to talk to her again.  Explained feebly how I feel we are not good for each other. She will probably reply… possibly not.  It is hard to admit, but I desperately want her to reply.   Maybe this time will be different.  But it won’t.  I think there is something wrong with me. Somehow, someway, this opportunity too will self-destruct.

UPDATE:  No reply as yet.  That’s a good thing, I think.  Maybe we can both finally move on.  Besides, there is someone right now who is a positive in my life in many ways.  There is no relationship, yet, but with luck and patience, hopefully something will blossom.  In any case, I do hope my friend has a wonderful life.  She does deserve good things.

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