E.D. and Insta-honesty

This is going to be uncomfortable.  Not for me to write, but for you to read.  In fact, allow me to begin with a disclaimer…

***If you are a relative or friend of mine who wishes no knowledge of my sexual history, or would prefer not to view me as an organism that has sex or sexual thoughts, or just has a conservative attitude toward sexuality, please STOP READING NOW.  What follows might cause you severe cognitive dissonance or psychological damage.  I can assure you that what follows is the raw truth and will definitely be not safe for work, or anywhere else for that matter.***

Some friends of mine like reading this blog because of my honesty. Others are put off by it.  This last year of discovering the power of honesty has been very liberating .  The truth is not always pretty, but it does allow people to actually discover who you are.  And I would like people to know who I really am.

I was a virgin until I was in my 30s.  Not for lack of trying, but for lack of success.  I think I first masturbated when I was 11.  Like most boys of that time, Princess Leia in her Return of the Jedi bikini was a particularly effective fantasy.  A friend of mine and I even dabbled in a little mutual stimulation when I was 12.  Yeah… so no one in my life ever knew about that until now.  Funny how the safety of the internetz makes open honesty so much easier.  Thus began a long and passionate attachment to self pleasure.  Yes, I am a chronic and compulsive wanker.

Ok, now that the laughter has died down, you may be wondering why I am telling you all about this.  Because it has affected my life and I’m sure there are others out there who are dealing with some of these issues as well.  Plus, this cuts down on having to re-hash this with every woman I may get involved with in the future.  I can just point them to this blog.  Insta-honesty! It’s not like I am a great face-to-face communicator, so this seems the best way to open this particular can of worms.

Very few days have gone by over the last 30 that I have not jerked off.  (Jeez, there are so many funny names for masturbation, and I go right for the profane.) It’s part of my compulsive nature.  I am compulsive when it comes to things that give me pleasure: food, masturbation, romanticism.  Maybe I am an addict.  Some people have alcohol, drugs, risk-taking, shopping.  I have pizza and porn.

So, what’s the fuss? I have ED.  Yes, erectile dysfunction.  While I have had sex with three women and come close with a few more, I have never, ever been able to cum via sex.  Apparently, I am the only person in the world who can satisfy myself.  The ultimate selfishness. The terrible part of that is that all three at one point thought it was their fault.  Nothing could be farther from the truth!  They were each beautiful, attractive women to whom I was extremely attracted.  It was very sincerely all my fault.  The problem with a compulsive habit is that it is difficult to control.  Plus, there is a sense of comfort in it.  Eating for comfort is the classic and accurate example of this.  So, it cost me the attention of three very wonderful women.

All three experiences were unique.  One was an on-again, off-again connection that was fun, but emotionally empty.  One was a committed relationship with someone I truly loved – the way sex was supposed to happen according to my Lutheran upbringing.  And one was a fling – a fun, no-strings fling.  A fantasy come to life for a brief moment.

I was not 100% sure of all this until my recent experience with a woman that just about any heterosexual man would think is beautiful.  Seriously, the fact she was interested in anything physical with me was an experience I have not had much in my life.  She was the whole fantasy for me, beautiful, shapely, just simply sexy –  outstanding kisser, exceedingly sexual glow about her, and a way of making me feel as sexy as she was.  Still, with all that sure-fire stimulation, along with the fact I actually abstained from self-pleasure for an entire week (a personal record), and utilized the last tab of my Cialis prescription, I could not maintain an erection long enough to achieve anything.

This is a tough spot for any woman involved with me.  Sure, I can assure them that it has nothing to do with them (and I cannot stress enough, that is absolutely true!), but the fact that they are not experiencing the physical response from me that they expect makes things difficult, to say the least.  I am certain it was part of what cost me my longest relationship.  Because I could not fulfill her sexual needs, I felt like so much less a man.  Instead of working on that with her, I found validation of my virility outside our relationship.  I never cheated on her with anyone else sexually, but I did pursue and found attention from someone else.  I have laid out the details in a previous post, so I won’t recall them here.

The difficult journey now is coming to terms with where I am sexually.  I continue to engage in my compulsive habit.  It may be self-destructive, but it feels so good.  And that is a very difficult thing to give up after 30 years.  I tell myself I can give up any time if I have someone important in my life.  Maybe I can in the future, but I didn’t when the situation called for it before.

I have tried Viagra and Cialis with limited success.  There has been serious consideration of a surgical implant which would allow me to maintain an erection for as long as needed via a pump, then deflate when done.  It sounds ridiculous, but honestly, for the chance to make a woman feel sexy and fulfilled, it would be completely worthwhile.  And believe me, when you can’t keep it up, size REALLY doesn’t matter. If I were to become seriously involved again, I am certain this would be my choice after an honest discussion with her.

There is a positive side.  I have developed a nice repertoire of things that I can do to make a woman feel good.  I really, really do like going down on a woman.  There is something very intimate and wonderful in doing that, and it fits in perfectly with my “giving” personality.  I like using “toys” and love hearing a woman moan with pleasure.  It’s a music thing. Taking my time and exploring touches that turn her on is a real jolt as well.

Recently, a friend posted something about tantric sex. The moment, the touch, the atmosphere, the relationship of one to another takes precedence over the orgasm.  I like that approach, in that it takes pressure out of having an orgasm.  It also touches on the things that really turn me on when I am with someone I love or with someone I like enough to have sex.  I love the touch, the arm wrapped around my neck, the legs intertwined.  That is what really sticks with me in the whole experience.

Hopefully someday I have the opportunity to be with a woman and take advantage of the fact I have posted this to open an honest dialogue with her – to address these things and find a way to satisfy our desires with each other.  Hopefully, I will learn from my past mistakes and find a way to make something lasting and beautiful.

If you made it this far without experiencing nausea, vertigo, or stomach discomfort, I applaud you and thank you for allowing me to share this.

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